Two Weeks Without My Dad

Monday marks two full weeks since my dad passed away.

I've been sitting with whether to write this at all. But the Pirate has always been about this community, and this community is made up of people, and people lose their parents. So I figured I'd tell you where I actually am, not the version that sounds like I have it together.

Week one was just about accepting it. That's it. That's the whole week. My brain kept doing this thing where it would forget for a second and then remember all over again, like stepping on the same bruise. I wasn't thinking about paperwork or logistics or any of the practical stuff yet. I was just trying to believe it was true.

Week two was a little easier in some ways. The shock wore down some. But that's when the "estate" became real, and I put that word in quotes on purpose, because my dad was not a planner. He didn't leave behind assets to divide or a filing cabinet of instructions. There wasn't much to settle in the way people usually mean it. What there was, instead, was a list. A long one. Things I didn't know I'd have to do until I was standing in the middle of having to do them.

I'm an only child, and losing a parent as an only child is a strange mix of relief and weight. I don't have to negotiate with a sibling about what happens to his things or argue over who handles what. There's no tension, no old family dynamic resurfacing at the worst possible time. That part is a gift, and I mean that. But it also means every phone call, every form, every decision lands on me and only me. There's no one to split it with. No one else whose name is on anything. Just me, figuring it out in real time.

My parents divorced more than twenty five years ago, so my mom wasn't in a position where any of this legally fell to her, and yet she's shown up anyway, helping me think through things without me even having to ask. My dad never officially remarried after that, though he had a significant other for a long stretch of years. She passed away back in 2021, so there wasn't a spouse to step in either. It really has just been me. My aunt, my dad's sister, has been an absolute gem through all of it, showing up in the ways that matter, and my mom has done the same. I'm grateful for both of them in a way I don't think I can fully put into words yet.

Here's what I didn't know before this: there is so much that happens after someone dies that nobody prepares you for. Not the emotional part, everyone warns you about that. I mean the practical avalanche. The calls you have to make and the order you have to make them in. The accounts to close, the offices to notify, the documents you need that you don't have and have to track down. Nobody hands you a checklist when it happens. You just learn as you go, usually while you're also trying to breathe through the grief itself.

I'm sure it gets easier. Everyone tells me that, and I believe them, mostly because I have to. But right now, two weeks out, I'm still in the middle of figuring out how to carry this. Not fixing it. Not solving it. Just carrying it, one day at a time, one form at a time.

If you've done this before, you know exactly what I mean. If you're in the middle of it right now, I see you, and I'm sorry you're here. And if it hasn't happened to you yet, I'd gently say this: have the conversation with your people now, while you can. Ask the questions. Write things down. It won't make the loss hurt less, but it might make the after a little less overwhelming for whoever's left to handle it.

Thanks for letting me share this. I'll be back to regular Pirate business soon, but I needed to write this one first.

Much love, 

~Spring